out of the loop for over a year.
Admin note. I do not know how this will look when it gets posted, but forgive me for any random formatting errors in this post. This entry has become self-aware, and is currently choosing how to format itself as this progresses.
First up, the game Rock Band. This may not be new to you, but it's new to me, so shush. It's quite similar to Guitar Hero because both were developed by the same company.
I loves me some Guitar Hero; not to the point where I'm posting videos of my elite skills on youtube, but yeah it's fun. For those of you who don't know, Rock Band incorporates drums, a bass guitar, a lead/rhythm guitar, and *shudders* vocals. I can see the appeal of these, because hey, look at how packed karoake bars are.
The last four nights, my floormates have been getting hammered and playing the same 5 songs over and over and over.
The vocal quality is about what you'd expect from drunken 20 year olds. I'm not saying I could do better, not by any stretch of the imagination. I realize I am not the best singer, mostly as I do not currently hold a record contract. I can
actually hear them attempting to play the Killers as we speak. "Woooo"
Movies about comic book heroes. Seems the last year or so and upcoming year is laced with projects about characters from comic books. While I was away, the Silver Surfer flick came out, Iron Man was released, there was a TMNT movie,
and films like 300 and 30 Days Of Night, which were based on graphic novels. On the horizon is a sequel to just about
every successful franchise out there, such as Batman, Spiderman, the Hulk, and so on. Some of these are good
ideas, and of course, some are not. It's a personal judgement call I suppose, and probably speaks volumes about the
current level of creativity in Hollywood. I guess it's cool because I typically don't go see a flick like Iron Man to be mentally
stimulated, so much as flat out entertained. Iron Man was pretty badass, by the way. Man, the last few films I've seen
Robert Downey Jr in were pretty spectacular roles for him. He's impressed me of late, I must say. I digress. Films
these days are pretty cookie cutter, and this includes a lot of indie films. Yeah, I said it, stone me as you will. This is
best summed up by a phrase about people being a unique, beautiful snowflake, just like everyone else. I need to read more.
Books. What happened to books. People MUST be reading, because there are Barnes and Noble and Borders all over
the place. I'd rather spend 8 hours reading a story than 90 minutes having it crammed down my throat in bare bones form.
I'm a severe critic of films based on books; if I've read the book, of course. I can't think of many occasions where a film actually does the book justice (Side note. Everything I hit enter to carry onto the next line, weird things happen. GAH!)
Reading needs to come back to being pop culture. That's right, put down your blue ray dvd and read a damn book!
Anyway. This is a somewhat non-sequitur post. My apologies.
So I sit here this morning in this tiny, quiet little room, which inevitably means my mind is left to its own designs. This is
as often good as it is bad. Anyway, this morning I sit here and think about why it is I don't feel comfortable in my own
skin. I sit through briefings from all these people giving all these things people deal with after being away from everyone
for so long, and each statement they make is a bullet point in my head, followed by me going no, not that, no, no...
So what is it? Putting it into words has been a failed attempt so far I think based on the outcome. Issues thus far include
- Inability to sleep longer than 5 hours a night
- Having issues communicating with people, which breaks down into
--- Not feeling like people understand what I am saying
--- Not seeming to understand what other people are saying
- An acute desire to seek out people I've seen over the past 15 months because they understand. As it turns out, a large
number of us are experiencing kinks reintegrating into normal life.
- A greatly decreased level of patience, of which I used to have almost too much.
- A short fuse.
- A certain level of detachment, which varies on a day to day basis.
So yesterday I made an appointment to go see a licensed therapist. Hooray for government health care, because I
doubt I could afford to go private. Maybe this will help, talking to someone who has dealt with stuff like this many times
before. I think I mostly need someone who will listen to me and help me talk through whatever it is that lies at the root
of all this nonsense.
I do recognize I have some issues. I think people expected me to come home and snap back into my old self in a rapid
hurry. Instead, I feel like I'm sort of watching my life from a 3rd person perspective, and it's akin to a crappy 90s MTV sitcom.
I should list out the soundtrack that goes through my head, people might find it amusing. I am aware of how I would
normally act or what I would normally say, but it doesn't come out that way. It's really frustrating, and I try to cope with
that as best I can.
Part of me wants to apologize for going through all this. I can imagine the effect it has on other people, and I do not
imagine it's much fun. The other part of me is really angry. It's angry that I feel like I should apologize, angry about
people not understanding me. Both sides essentially want to crawl in a hole until the whole mess blows over, but I
recognize this is not a healthy option. Talking to some of the other people who deployed who know me does seem to
help some, because they ask questions and get me talking and thinking, and we bounce ideas back and forth.
All things aside I don't even know why I write this. Maybe it's me trying to get my thoughts down on paper, or I guess
e-paper, and some kind of miracle will happen. Maybe I just need to flat out accept I am not the person I was, and
even though I tried to compartmentalize myself and lock the real me away, it's not 100% successful. Maybe I'm in denial
that I'm a bit different than I was before. I don't know, I'm probably just rambling anyway in the hopes something will
spill out and make sense. I guess I just need to be patient and spend the time working through all this stuff. Getting
annoyed over it constantly is just going to make things worse.
Over one year later.
Night falls, quiet, and still.
No birds sing, nor crickets chirp.
The sky is ablaze with streaks of red
The pale moon rising in its stead...
The stars shine out, a breeze blows,
As I sit and watch these heavenly bodies
A crack here, a break there,
I slowly fall to pieces in silence,
Under the guise of a smile.
This being said, I am ready to come home.
It's funny how two different people view the same event, or series of event. One thing I've learned in the craphole desert of a country called Iraq is that perception is everything. It's amazing how stories change so much based on the source of the story, and in the end, when two people tell their story of the same event, both can be true.
Why do I say this? It's a clever lead-in of half-assed self-important "insight" I used to hook you into reading this. At least I'm being honest up front. My fiancee posted a series blogs concerning her perception of the "how we fell in love" story. The beginning of the story, which spans several years, is more like a train wreck. She's much more list-oriented than I, so my version will be less... organized. She's the organizational ying to my disorganized yang.
Actually, it all started when the housing situation from my junior year of college dissolved from underneath me, the root of which being one of my four roommates was insufferable. I actually haven't spoken to this guy in.. I don't even know. Since
2003 or so, and have used his name on perhaps 3 occasions since then. This, however, is a whole different series. Let's fast forward to approximately September 2001. Location -- University of Minnesota, Morris campus.
In September I found myself a senior in college with my very best friend Grant. The two of us found ourselves together on a floor full of freshman. It was too late for us to find alternative housing due to lease periods, and this made sense. We figured we'd rule the roost anyway, which was to our liking. Initially we tried to tell everyone we were seniors in high school. A few people bought this, but not too many.
The night I first met my girl she was on crutches and in a giant knee brace. Apparently there had been some sort of freshman ice breaker games on "the mall", a tiny grassy patch in the middle of campus, accidents ensued, and this poor young girl did horrible
things to her knee. Details about this first night aren’t exactly cemented, but I do recall myself, Grant, his girlfriend, and Amy playing cribbage. I’d love to say Grant and I were winning, but alas, it would be a lie. We were getting destroyed. My very first perception of this girl was that she was a ringer in cribbage.
There are a lot of pieces of this I would like to skip. It benefits few to put all this out there. If you want the one-sided version, feel free to look up the “Anomaly” in her blogs. This post is about how I met my fiancée, and while this other individual would be a lengthy section of this blog.
Amy spent a lot of time in a comfortable chair in my room which was essentially reserved just for her because it accommodated her need to have her knee propped up. She was also stuck wearing sandals. I took this opportunity to mercilessly tickle her foot, and because she couldn’t run away, torture her with music and movies which she probably never would have watched on her on, such as Baseketball. I did try to watch Empire Records, but I’m pretty sure on two occasions, maybe more, I fell asleep during the movie. It’s a shame, because it’s a fabulous movie. Go out and see it if you haven’t.
Anyway, I often wondered why this rather innocent young girl, from a private school of all girls, was not much more snobby. My perception of those types of people was a little biased based on.. well, probably books and movies, because there were really no private schools in my tiny little town. The bigger mystery was why on Earth she tolerated being subjected to such nonsense stuff in which she really wasn’t even interested. I should point out here I am a guy, which means I am horribly dense when it comes to the painfully obvious where females being interested in me are concerned. I chalked it up to the natural appeal someone older and wiser in the ways of college life. Looking back.. yeah I’m pretty much an idiot. The short version of this is I figured there was no way this young thing could be interested in me in any such way, and allowed myself to be chased by the Anomaly. Having just begun to get over one train wreck of a relationship the summer before (which again, yet another blog unto itself), I did not fight all that hard. It was very strange to me to be the one being pursued. I was not accustomed to this in the least, having always been the one doing the chasing.
In reference to her posts… this should span at least into her October post.
Rian. I remember Rian because she was my neighbor and desperately in love with Grant, much to his annoyance. She also seemed to spend a great deal of time with the other girls in the wing. My initial impression of her was she would not be someone I would trust much for this reason. Not in the least.
Rebecca. Becca was Amy’s roommate, and while I knew they spent a lot of time together, I figured it would because they were roommates. She was one of the folks who did not initially spend a lot of time wandering down into our room, as I recall.
9/11 The infamous day, and the reason I am currently in a giant tent in Iraq. I stayed in the tv lounge most of this day, and the rest spent in various lounges on campus. I recall this being a very silent day, where most people watched things unfold and stayed glued for the aftermath, to include all of the theories that followed.
Halloween, in October. I wish I could recall this particular Halloween. This may have been the one where I went in drag, and must have been an ace with the socks because lots of guys and girls decided they needed to grab my chest to see what I used. I bought a cheap bra at Pamida which I later taped to my wall as a shelf and stored pop-tarts in it. Handy. I will attribute the lack of memory of this night to the keg which was involved, and the shots sold at the bar downstairs (Note – This shot part may or not have actually happened at this party, but is pretty much standard procedure to have such a thing at any party, and it always has to be in the seedy basement).
The Friday everyone left for the weekend. A handful of us went back to my place, and somehow, I am honestly not sure how, the Anomaly came along. It may very well have been me, but at this time there was nothing really going on between us. All of you folks at home are slapping your foreheads and calling me an idiot. If I were you, I would be. Why not Amy? Good question. The more I look back at this period of time, the more confusing it gets. I was kind of a train wreck waiting to happen at this stage of my life. It eventually did. How aware was I of this? Probably more than I want to admit to both you and myself. I cannot say this without sounding condescending, but I don’t mean it to be. Amy, at the time, seemed very young and happy and innocent, and I thing I partly dismissed dating her as an option because I did not want to inflict myself and the oncoming disaster onto her. Did I really see it coming? Hindsight is 20/20. I am sure a part of me did, because there’s literally no way in hell I could alter the path I was on. There was no shot at stability with the Anomaly. She told me as much. I knew this. I liked Amy, yes. She was a fabulous friend, tolerated my weird tastes, liked Star Wars, found me funny or interesting or maybe both.. and stayed up with me until all hours of the night. Regardless, some reason, maybe the aforementioned, maybe others, I wrote her off the date ticket.
Since this is turning into something like a story, I figure this is a good place for the cliffhanger; that was just it. To be continued.
I hate to sound cliche, but life is funny sometimes. Today I took a step back and evaluated how I get to where I am in life.
I thought back on all of the decisions I've made to get here. Growing up, I imagined myself have a house, a job, a family,
a dog, and all that stuff by this point in my life. I never really had a specific plan.. I didn't know where I wanted my
house or what kind of house I wanted. I didn't know what I'd be doing for a living. Looking back now, the aspirations I
had seem to be no more than a proverbial trip to Candy Mountain (Go to youtube.com and search for Charlie and
Candy Mountain if you're curious as to the reference I'm making). I'm pretty much 0 for 0 on all that stuff.
What do I think of that? I don't know. Maybe this whole Army thing was partially a way to postpone having to figure
this stuff out. I don't know. I've had some really good experiences along the way. I've also had some really bad ones.
Would I trade the good ones to have never had the bad ones? I don't know. I've learned an awful lot about myself
through all of this. I'm still learning more to this day, but I worry sometimes that I don't WANT to know more of the
kind of things I'm learning. Some of the mysterious parts of me that I'm seeing for the first time are a little bit on the
darker side of things. Is it better to know your limits/capabilities/boundaries, or should you not even test the water?
So many questions.. really I don't even know who I'm writing this to, or why I'm writing it. I dunno.. I always thought I'd all ready seen the darkest parts of me. The possibility occurs to me now that may not be entirely true. I don't know
for sure.. but I can sort of feel it there. I may never see it though. I'm not entirely sure I want to.
Can you share any of this *dark side* stuff with me? Somehow I'm guessing not. Perhaps think about yin and... read more
on Idle Thoughts..